Take your age. For example, 26. Now, subtract it from 220. This number, in my case, 194, is known as your Heart Rate Reserve, the maximum number of times your heart can beat per minute before it explodes from your body and kills you, or possibly the point when you become the Incredible Hulk. It's more theoretical than actual science, but bear with me.
Next, measure your Resting Heart Rate. To do this, don't fucking move for a while, you twit, stop it. Now, take your index and middle finger and press it gently to the top of your throat, just where your jaw meets your neck. That pulsing? It's called a pulse. Time out ten seconds, and count how many times you feel that beating. Now multiply that by six. I got 60, or 60 beats per minute. The average adult human falls somewhere between 60-100 bpm, and the lower yours is, the healthier your heart is (or possibly the more Buddhist you are).
So now, take your HRR (The big number) and subtract your Resting Heart Rate (The smaller number). Now, for me, I'm down to 134. Take this number, and multiply it by .65, or 65%.
Still with me? Good. Take your new number, and add back in your Resting Heart Rate. I'm up to 147.1, but fuck decimals, let's round that bitch. 147 being the final number for me, we have arrived at our final destination. This is the rate at which my heart rate needs to beat for me to actually burn fat from my body.
A guy named Karvonen made this formula up, and it's the medically accepted way to figure out heart rates, percentages and other things, and 65% is the approximate rate that the heart has to be working at for about 15 minutes before the fat cells in your body begin to be accessed for energy.
Too much? TL;DR? Run for MORE THAN 15 MINUTES, fatty, and soon you won't be!
2/20/12
1/25/12
Goal Setting
Followed by a disclaimer*
When starting any kind of workout, you want to have an end result in mind, be it long or short term. When I started in January 2007, for example, all I wanted to do was lose weight. Given that I was 265 pounds, got winded going up shallow steps, and resembled the adopted gayby of the Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, I figured this to be a good goal.
So I started by walking. Sure, I fraked around with little dumbbells that my dad lent me, but I had no idea what I was actually doing with it. I walked around half an hour, three times a week, and it certainly helped my overheating issues that it was a frakking cold-ass winter. As we're aware, increasing the pace and frequency of my walks (not to mention hardcore cutbacks in diet) eventually led to me shedding 70 pounds, so...GOAL MET!
My current goal is to build up muscle mass (somewhere between Hugh Jackman's Wolverine and Ron Pearlman's Hellboy would be nice), and now that I'm much better educated, I can achieve this all the easier. It also helps to know that the actual number of your weight, while important, doesn't mean all that much as opposed to say, your body fat indexing, or your BMI. In the four months I've been attending the National Personal Trainer Institute, I've personally dropped about 1.5% bodyfat, whilst my girlfriend has dropped a whole 2%. It doesn't sound like much, but believe me, for reasonably fit people, it's a mean feat.
How would 2006, Fat Gandalf Edition Harrison have reacted if 2012, GNC Cardholder Harrison said to him that his current goal was to drop from the current 14% bodyfat to a 10, and increase the measurements of his chest and biceps from 48" and 14.5" to 52" and 18" (respectively, unflexed)? Did 2006 me even know what a bicep was? And what the hell was my bodyfat percent back then 'cause I really wish I thought to keep records.
General goals are ok for starting out, but eventually you'll want to be way more specific, turning "weight loss" into "fat loss" into "bring my bodyfat down by three percent." And if you're smart about it, and consult someone who knows how to gather such data (like me please hire me) then you'll be able to see the results all the better, with science!
Muscle Gain? Fat Loss? Want to look more like Katee Sackhoff? What are your goals?
*disclaimer: This is, like, my seventeenth time restarting this blog on a hopefully consistant basis. My goal is to do this once a week.
When starting any kind of workout, you want to have an end result in mind, be it long or short term. When I started in January 2007, for example, all I wanted to do was lose weight. Given that I was 265 pounds, got winded going up shallow steps, and resembled the adopted gayby of the Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, I figured this to be a good goal.
So I started by walking. Sure, I fraked around with little dumbbells that my dad lent me, but I had no idea what I was actually doing with it. I walked around half an hour, three times a week, and it certainly helped my overheating issues that it was a frakking cold-ass winter. As we're aware, increasing the pace and frequency of my walks (not to mention hardcore cutbacks in diet) eventually led to me shedding 70 pounds, so...GOAL MET!
My current goal is to build up muscle mass (somewhere between Hugh Jackman's Wolverine and Ron Pearlman's Hellboy would be nice), and now that I'm much better educated, I can achieve this all the easier. It also helps to know that the actual number of your weight, while important, doesn't mean all that much as opposed to say, your body fat indexing, or your BMI. In the four months I've been attending the National Personal Trainer Institute, I've personally dropped about 1.5% bodyfat, whilst my girlfriend has dropped a whole 2%. It doesn't sound like much, but believe me, for reasonably fit people, it's a mean feat.
How would 2006, Fat Gandalf Edition Harrison have reacted if 2012, GNC Cardholder Harrison said to him that his current goal was to drop from the current 14% bodyfat to a 10, and increase the measurements of his chest and biceps from 48" and 14.5" to 52" and 18" (respectively, unflexed)? Did 2006 me even know what a bicep was? And what the hell was my bodyfat percent back then 'cause I really wish I thought to keep records.
General goals are ok for starting out, but eventually you'll want to be way more specific, turning "weight loss" into "fat loss" into "bring my bodyfat down by three percent." And if you're smart about it, and consult someone who knows how to gather such data (like me please hire me) then you'll be able to see the results all the better, with science!
Muscle Gain? Fat Loss? Want to look more like Katee Sackhoff? What are your goals?
*disclaimer: This is, like, my seventeenth time restarting this blog on a hopefully consistant basis. My goal is to do this once a week.
9/17/11
New Boots for Erin
One day, Erin woke up to find out that the weather had changed!
"Shit, it's fucking freezing!" she exclaimed, the forecast for the day reading at a brisk 48 degrees Fahrenheit.
So she put away her summer clothes, and all that would remind her of the season.
"Goodbye, v-neck teeshirt!" she lamented, knowing she'd have to avoid low cut tops for the winter.
"Farewell, open-toed five inch heels!" she cried, remembering all the looks she garnered as she walked down the thoroughfare.
"Until next year, denim mini-skirt!" she wept openly, sad that she had to retire something that drove her boyfriend absolutely mad.
She stowed away her seasonal revealing wardrobe, sad that her favorite time of year was over. But then she remembered!
"Fuck!" she ejaculated. "I have a completely bitchin' coat that my studly boyfriend Harrison bought me last winter!"
She was now excited, her emotions playing a complete turnaround as she recalled how delicious she looked in the completely bitchin' coat her studly boyfriend Harrison bought her, even whilst covered from chin to toe.
She dug through her closet, unearthing ancient tees, thongs lost to dying civilizations, and expansion packs of World Of Warcraft until she found it.
"Son of a bitch," she breathed, "This is a totally rad motherfucker."
She put on the coat, and soon she was fully buttoned and buckled, a knee length wool trench that screamed to the world in a deep violet hue, telling all who gazed that in this purple spy jacket was one SEXY BITCH.
She admired her bodacious figure in the mirror for a while, but then she realized!
Something was not right!
She fretted for a moment, but then suddenly knew what it was. She dialed her studly boyfriend Harrison on her cellular phone.
"Harrison! Listen, my muscular sex jockey!" she demanded his attention with a stern, commanding intonation. Harrison sat straight to attention, he knew what followed was to be of great importance. "I need new motherfucking boots!"
Harrison paused, puzzled for a moment. Then he recalled that Erin had destroyed her previous boots, two feet of black tubular sex appeal, from the constant strutting and extreme sexy paces that she demanded of any footwear. He immediately appeared by her side, keys to his SUV that was in no way a form of compensation in hand!
"Then let us go to the goddamn mall motherfucker!"
=====
The mall was an imposing place, filled with screaming toddlers and angry fatties having midlife crises, but Erin, in her infinite sexy wisdom, knew exactly where to go.
"To the Macy's Shoe Department, you cock-wobbling hooker!" she shouted to nobody in particular, kicking the door to the department store down in her reliable, but seasonably inappropriate flats.
They came upon boots, and boots aplenty there were! Tall, short, pointy toed, but none were to Erin's Goddamn liking!
"These are too big!" she sighed, "And there are too many that are too damn small that appear to have no stamina!"
"And these appear to be able to stretch all the way up mid thigh, but upon second inspection the zipper and fold is only decorational!" Harrison openly wept, not ready to dismiss his fantasy of Erin dressing as Uhura from the Classic Star Trek.
But then she saw them!
Tall, sleek, dark and equipped with four inch heels, Erin grabbed a hapless salesman and demanded a size 8, perhaps 8 and a half. When they arrived, she tore the tissue from the inner sole and quickly donned the store's thin pantyhose constructed foot condom, pulling her new knee-high love all the way on.
She stood, and gave an experimental walk around the department, checking out her lucious ass in every mirror, and making sure to show off for Harrison.
"Damn," Harrison thought. "Bitch know how to strut!"
Erin was excited, she knew now that these were what she wanted. But even after saving for a goddamned long time, and building a bank account from her payscale that would make HLN's financial advisers stand in awe, she was not sure if she should commit to these totally bitchin' rad boots!
Harrison, desperate to see Erin in such jaw-dropping everyday wear, had almost lost hope, when a salesman decreed that a twenty-percent off sale was still in effect! Erin bit her lower lip in quick contemplation, forcing Harrison to cross his legs for sake of public decency, when she made a snap judgement!
"I'll do it! Let me pay for these rad-ass motherfucking boots! And then I shall wear them out the door! And we'll celebrate with some goddamned titty-fucking pumpkin spiced lattes!"
And even though it was fall, the sun shone in goddamned celebrational happiness, for Erin had bought new fucking boots!
Harrison based this on true events, more or less, and is now pretty goddamned drunk.
"Shit, it's fucking freezing!" she exclaimed, the forecast for the day reading at a brisk 48 degrees Fahrenheit.
So she put away her summer clothes, and all that would remind her of the season.
"Goodbye, v-neck teeshirt!" she lamented, knowing she'd have to avoid low cut tops for the winter.
"Farewell, open-toed five inch heels!" she cried, remembering all the looks she garnered as she walked down the thoroughfare.
"Until next year, denim mini-skirt!" she wept openly, sad that she had to retire something that drove her boyfriend absolutely mad.
She stowed away her seasonal revealing wardrobe, sad that her favorite time of year was over. But then she remembered!
"Fuck!" she ejaculated. "I have a completely bitchin' coat that my studly boyfriend Harrison bought me last winter!"
She was now excited, her emotions playing a complete turnaround as she recalled how delicious she looked in the completely bitchin' coat her studly boyfriend Harrison bought her, even whilst covered from chin to toe.
She dug through her closet, unearthing ancient tees, thongs lost to dying civilizations, and expansion packs of World Of Warcraft until she found it.
"Son of a bitch," she breathed, "This is a totally rad motherfucker."
She put on the coat, and soon she was fully buttoned and buckled, a knee length wool trench that screamed to the world in a deep violet hue, telling all who gazed that in this purple spy jacket was one SEXY BITCH.
She admired her bodacious figure in the mirror for a while, but then she realized!
Something was not right!
She fretted for a moment, but then suddenly knew what it was. She dialed her studly boyfriend Harrison on her cellular phone.
"Harrison! Listen, my muscular sex jockey!" she demanded his attention with a stern, commanding intonation. Harrison sat straight to attention, he knew what followed was to be of great importance. "I need new motherfucking boots!"
Harrison paused, puzzled for a moment. Then he recalled that Erin had destroyed her previous boots, two feet of black tubular sex appeal, from the constant strutting and extreme sexy paces that she demanded of any footwear. He immediately appeared by her side, keys to his SUV that was in no way a form of compensation in hand!
"Then let us go to the goddamn mall motherfucker!"
=====
The mall was an imposing place, filled with screaming toddlers and angry fatties having midlife crises, but Erin, in her infinite sexy wisdom, knew exactly where to go.
"To the Macy's Shoe Department, you cock-wobbling hooker!" she shouted to nobody in particular, kicking the door to the department store down in her reliable, but seasonably inappropriate flats.
They came upon boots, and boots aplenty there were! Tall, short, pointy toed, but none were to Erin's Goddamn liking!
"These are too big!" she sighed, "And there are too many that are too damn small that appear to have no stamina!"
"And these appear to be able to stretch all the way up mid thigh, but upon second inspection the zipper and fold is only decorational!" Harrison openly wept, not ready to dismiss his fantasy of Erin dressing as Uhura from the Classic Star Trek.
But then she saw them!
Tall, sleek, dark and equipped with four inch heels, Erin grabbed a hapless salesman and demanded a size 8, perhaps 8 and a half. When they arrived, she tore the tissue from the inner sole and quickly donned the store's thin pantyhose constructed foot condom, pulling her new knee-high love all the way on.
She stood, and gave an experimental walk around the department, checking out her lucious ass in every mirror, and making sure to show off for Harrison.
"Damn," Harrison thought. "Bitch know how to strut!"
Erin was excited, she knew now that these were what she wanted. But even after saving for a goddamned long time, and building a bank account from her payscale that would make HLN's financial advisers stand in awe, she was not sure if she should commit to these totally bitchin' rad boots!
Harrison, desperate to see Erin in such jaw-dropping everyday wear, had almost lost hope, when a salesman decreed that a twenty-percent off sale was still in effect! Erin bit her lower lip in quick contemplation, forcing Harrison to cross his legs for sake of public decency, when she made a snap judgement!
"I'll do it! Let me pay for these rad-ass motherfucking boots! And then I shall wear them out the door! And we'll celebrate with some goddamned titty-fucking pumpkin spiced lattes!"
And even though it was fall, the sun shone in goddamned celebrational happiness, for Erin had bought new fucking boots!
Harrison based this on true events, more or less, and is now pretty goddamned drunk.
4/22/11
Pass the Waffles.
I feel lied to.
A week ago, what I wanted to do was sit down, watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and eat an enormous stack of Belgian Waffles, extra syrup. I mean, like, EXTRA, bitch, drown my sadness in sugared tree sap.
I had a killer job offer, sales for a tech support firm in Hamilton, NJ, with pay above my current grade plus commission when I begin to actually make sales. After three interviews with the VP of the company, a lot of research, and several intensive talks with my former super-salesman uncle about how to interview, how to sell, how to whatever, the VP brings me in, sits me down. He can't offer me the job anymore, unless I want to become a freelancer, with no hourly wage, and no compensation for gas, etc, just the possibility of commissions down the line.
Hurt and angry, I proceeded to get into a depressive funk, punctuated by the insanity of going through and processing applications for a new wireless sales kiosk at work. Ever have to find people with open availability, call them, schedule an interview, hope they show up (half of them didn't) then try to interview them with corporate bullshit? It fucking blows.
Anyway. It doesn't help that I've been in a bit of a depressive funk since my 102 degree fever and an improv performance which I think I bombed in. However, Erin turns to me one day after finally getting interviews set up at a few local banks, asking me have I ever thought about becoming a personal trainer?
I admit I have not. It's a great idea though, It's a passion of mine, I'd lost the weight, I'm working to get bigger and stronger at least four times a week at the gym....and chocolate protein shakes (with 60g of protein) have become my drink of choice. All I'd need to do...
Is actually not as much as I'd expected. There's certification tests, which I'm still looking into, but before that, I'm going to be signing up for a preparation class at Bucks this fall, by the end of it I'll be ready to take the exam and be free to train whoever, whenever.
First things first, I'd like to look like a trainer. Henceforth, I'm on a more extreme version of my diet than before. Clementines and bananas and pineapples are now my bitch, and carbs are the immortal enemy (I'm still eating them, but maybe at 1/8th the level I have been). I've cranked up the weight and the number of exercises at the gym, and I've added several 3.5 mile bike rides into my week, followed by 50 crunches, leg lifts and push ups (I want to double that by the end of the year). I need bigger biceps, a bulkier chest, and I need to find my abs. They're in there somewhere.
Hopefully I'll feel ready by the fall, I'll be doing more research as I go into the test, the class, and myself as to how I can market myself. I started working out because I no longer wanted to be Fat Gandalf, and from the pictures and experience I've seen at comic-cons, there are way too many people that don't dress their body type. Maybe that's my niche.
Too fat to be Batman? Don't worry, Master Wayne, I can help.
After all, this was me.
Down a total of 55 pounds, up to lifting 500+ pounds with my legs, rocking solid biceps and a single chin that's been called "Chiseled," I'm finally getting there.Let's rock this bastard.
3/21/11
Diet.
Screw it, if I have to turn this into a diet blog to keep updating regularly, so be it.
I've been kinda stagnating at the gym for the past year or so, only very incrementally increasing the weight I'm able to lift while only slowly decreasing the amount of fat on my body. Luckily, Erin and I followed around Wade (Of Wade's Comic Madness) on one of his very intense workouts, and it's taking off again. I'm down to 210 from 220, and hopefully I'll burn fat the same rate as gaining muscle. I've also started a new protien, Dark Matter (such a dumb name) so let's give that a month to see how that fares.
When I say very intense, I mean it. With the exception of the Bench/Incline Bench pressing, it's largely one set of 15-20 reps of each exercise, doing a full-body weightlifting workout twice a week, interspersed with cardio. I don't have my measuring tape, but here's the last time I measured, which was...January 18th. Yeesh. I gotta find my tape.
Right Bicep- 16”
Left Bicep- 15 11/16ths”
Right Quadracep- 25 1/8th”
Left Quadracep- 25 ½”
Chest- 47 3/16ths”
My chest was actually down two inches at this point, which is awesome, as I still have plenty of moob, but conversely I'm trying to build up muscle mass, so that number's going to be having some fluxes to it. Thanks to the new Incline Press, I've noticeably put on a lot of mass at the top of my chest, so let's hope that's a good thing.
Now if I can lay off the damn pizza at work....
I've been kinda stagnating at the gym for the past year or so, only very incrementally increasing the weight I'm able to lift while only slowly decreasing the amount of fat on my body. Luckily, Erin and I followed around Wade (Of Wade's Comic Madness) on one of his very intense workouts, and it's taking off again. I'm down to 210 from 220, and hopefully I'll burn fat the same rate as gaining muscle. I've also started a new protien, Dark Matter (such a dumb name) so let's give that a month to see how that fares.
When I say very intense, I mean it. With the exception of the Bench/Incline Bench pressing, it's largely one set of 15-20 reps of each exercise, doing a full-body weightlifting workout twice a week, interspersed with cardio. I don't have my measuring tape, but here's the last time I measured, which was...January 18th. Yeesh. I gotta find my tape.
Right Bicep- 16”
Left Bicep- 15 11/16ths”
Right Quadracep- 25 1/8th”
Left Quadracep- 25 ½”
Chest- 47 3/16ths”
My chest was actually down two inches at this point, which is awesome, as I still have plenty of moob, but conversely I'm trying to build up muscle mass, so that number's going to be having some fluxes to it. Thanks to the new Incline Press, I've noticeably put on a lot of mass at the top of my chest, so let's hope that's a good thing.
Now if I can lay off the damn pizza at work....
1/3/11
The Phantom Menace
So yeah.
I know this is a little late, but let me explain.
I was thirteen when it came out in theaters, and fourteen nine months later when it finally came out on VHS, and of course I had to buy the Special Edition (this was very very shortly before DVD became the thing, or at least before Hollywood Video started carrying mostly DVDs). I'm referring to Star Wars Episode One.
'Special Edition' in this case means it came with a snippet of four frames of actual film (it was all random, I got a shot or two of the final Gungan Battle) and, before the film started, a twenty minute documentary, which was essentially about how they animated Jar-Jar's ears.
I was in heaven.
FLASH cut to
Harrison's New Years' Party!
It's an annual thing, every year in costumes (last year in togas, this year 'literal interpretations of Beatles songs [best not to ask]), and always with insanity and good old nerdy fun. As we are nerds. Remember this, this is important.
Side note: All Female Drunk Twister? Awesome.
All Male Drunk Twister? HILARIOUS.
Anyway, this year, people voted, and they wanted to watch some movie with RiffTrax, because, as we are nerds, we love, love, LOVE Mystery Science Theater 3000. And we selected Star Wars Episode One, The Phantom Menace. Our logic was flawless, we want to watch RiffTrax, but we love the original trilogy too much to see them tear into it. We figure Episode One is the perfect mash of awful and exciting so as to keep us in but let us laugh. After all, it's fashionable to hate the prequels.
We didn't realize, however, that when viewed after the bulk of the celebrations, that is to say, around two a.m., this would lead us to hate ourselves.
The Rifftrax crew were amazing, they really were, but they only served to highlight what an awful, awful movie this is. Sean, Ben and I all were in agreement: There was no plot, only events linked by circumstance. But what really hurt was the sad realization that we were IDIOTS as kids.
"I saw this movie five times in the theater!"
"Me too! How was I so stupid!"
"Were we supposed to be afraid of Darth Maul? I think we only thought he was cool because of they hype."
"I hate my thirteen year old self!"
And so on.
The party was awesome, 99 Apples Liquor is delicious, and as always, Crystal Head Vodka is a trip to the Smooth Unknown.
But, given the introduction of the alcohol and slightly sexy (and very funny) twister games into our lives, I don't think it's possible to reclaim a level of childhood where the Star Wars prequels are good.
At least we'll have The Empire Strikes Back.
Because...well, Boba Fett...
...was a well defined character?
...Right?
...Guys?
I know this is a little late, but let me explain.
I was thirteen when it came out in theaters, and fourteen nine months later when it finally came out on VHS, and of course I had to buy the Special Edition (this was very very shortly before DVD became the thing, or at least before Hollywood Video started carrying mostly DVDs). I'm referring to Star Wars Episode One.
'Special Edition' in this case means it came with a snippet of four frames of actual film (it was all random, I got a shot or two of the final Gungan Battle) and, before the film started, a twenty minute documentary, which was essentially about how they animated Jar-Jar's ears.
I was in heaven.
FLASH cut to
Harrison's New Years' Party!
It's an annual thing, every year in costumes (last year in togas, this year 'literal interpretations of Beatles songs [best not to ask]), and always with insanity and good old nerdy fun. As we are nerds. Remember this, this is important.
Side note: All Female Drunk Twister? Awesome.
All Male Drunk Twister? HILARIOUS.
Anyway, this year, people voted, and they wanted to watch some movie with RiffTrax, because, as we are nerds, we love, love, LOVE Mystery Science Theater 3000. And we selected Star Wars Episode One, The Phantom Menace. Our logic was flawless, we want to watch RiffTrax, but we love the original trilogy too much to see them tear into it. We figure Episode One is the perfect mash of awful and exciting so as to keep us in but let us laugh. After all, it's fashionable to hate the prequels.
We didn't realize, however, that when viewed after the bulk of the celebrations, that is to say, around two a.m., this would lead us to hate ourselves.
The Rifftrax crew were amazing, they really were, but they only served to highlight what an awful, awful movie this is. Sean, Ben and I all were in agreement: There was no plot, only events linked by circumstance. But what really hurt was the sad realization that we were IDIOTS as kids.
"I saw this movie five times in the theater!"
"Me too! How was I so stupid!"
"Were we supposed to be afraid of Darth Maul? I think we only thought he was cool because of they hype."
"I hate my thirteen year old self!"
And so on.
The party was awesome, 99 Apples Liquor is delicious, and as always, Crystal Head Vodka is a trip to the Smooth Unknown.
But, given the introduction of the alcohol and slightly sexy (and very funny) twister games into our lives, I don't think it's possible to reclaim a level of childhood where the Star Wars prequels are good.
At least we'll have The Empire Strikes Back.
Because...well, Boba Fett...
...was a well defined character?
...Right?
...Guys?
12/23/10
Light Fuse, Run Away
So.
Let me explain my dad. He thinks something is a good idea. He does it. It goes terribly wrong. Terribly, Terribly Wrong.
Like today.
I come home from the gym, and stop for a moment to watch whatever comedy show dad was paused on while trying to find his beloved Law and Order, or whatever it is this time. He's stopped in the act of channel surfing to remove the excess ash from the bottom of the fireplace, a process which requires heavy gloves and the excavation of a large drawer located at the bottom of the furnace. He does this with regularity during the colder months, so I think nothing of it.
I go upstairs, and get changed out of my gym clothes, and into a t-shirt and jeans for the dinner-date I have planned with Erin, when she calls me.
"Harry, look at your backyard." Mistaking her very, very serious tone for the setup of some surprise, (Maybe a host of deer come in time for Christmas!) I tell her hang on, let me get my glasses. She interrupts, saying in a much more serious and leaden tone, "No, Harry, look at your backyard, YOUR BACKYARD IS ON FIRE"
I then run to the window, glasses forgotten, I sprint to the back window to see yes, my backyard is ablaze, flames at least fifteen feet high leap into the air from a portion of the yard that's always been overrun by sticker-bushes and weeds. I run downstairs, swearing and cursing, my dad asking what's wrong. I simply repeat what Erin said, that the backyard was "ON FIRE" and run to find the fire extinguisher.
I hear dad scream "WHAT" which, when he saw the flames, he ran outside to the hose, which of course he had already put away for the season. I run out to find him standing staring at the flames, which at this point have already died down dramatically, the feed of dried leaves having been rapidly depleted, and luckily, this portion of the yard had been somewhat walled off from the rest of it, the rickety wire fencing that held back the bushes probably also saved our house.
Dad's just staring at the now dying flames, still dumbfounded and mumbling about how he thought that area was all green, no dead stuff to light up, and how he's always dumped his ashes there, there must have been a few embers still hot enough.
Meanwhile, I'm still in panic mode, searching for a bucket or that damned extinguisher (turns out the extinguisher we had was lost to the ages) when Dad finally seems to switch back on, and begins to walk around the now fairly faint circle of dying flames, stamping out the last of it with his very expensive wool-lined slippers. Erin has come over by this point, and her wide-eyed shock at having seen the flames in their young prime fades to post-panic laughter, and I join in with her as I get my coat.
As I leave the house, Dad is coming in with, ironically enough, wood to feed his intentional fire. I look at him in the eye, point an accusatory finger at him and say, in seven-eighths seriousness, "DON'T DO THAT AGAIN."
He laughs, and stamping the dirt and bits of ash from his feet, both of us smelling horribly of smoke, and says to me,
"Don't tell your mother."
Let me explain my dad. He thinks something is a good idea. He does it. It goes terribly wrong. Terribly, Terribly Wrong.
Like today.
I come home from the gym, and stop for a moment to watch whatever comedy show dad was paused on while trying to find his beloved Law and Order, or whatever it is this time. He's stopped in the act of channel surfing to remove the excess ash from the bottom of the fireplace, a process which requires heavy gloves and the excavation of a large drawer located at the bottom of the furnace. He does this with regularity during the colder months, so I think nothing of it.
I go upstairs, and get changed out of my gym clothes, and into a t-shirt and jeans for the dinner-date I have planned with Erin, when she calls me.
"Harry, look at your backyard." Mistaking her very, very serious tone for the setup of some surprise, (Maybe a host of deer come in time for Christmas!) I tell her hang on, let me get my glasses. She interrupts, saying in a much more serious and leaden tone, "No, Harry, look at your backyard, YOUR BACKYARD IS ON FIRE"
I then run to the window, glasses forgotten, I sprint to the back window to see yes, my backyard is ablaze, flames at least fifteen feet high leap into the air from a portion of the yard that's always been overrun by sticker-bushes and weeds. I run downstairs, swearing and cursing, my dad asking what's wrong. I simply repeat what Erin said, that the backyard was "ON FIRE" and run to find the fire extinguisher.
I hear dad scream "WHAT" which, when he saw the flames, he ran outside to the hose, which of course he had already put away for the season. I run out to find him standing staring at the flames, which at this point have already died down dramatically, the feed of dried leaves having been rapidly depleted, and luckily, this portion of the yard had been somewhat walled off from the rest of it, the rickety wire fencing that held back the bushes probably also saved our house.
Dad's just staring at the now dying flames, still dumbfounded and mumbling about how he thought that area was all green, no dead stuff to light up, and how he's always dumped his ashes there, there must have been a few embers still hot enough.
Meanwhile, I'm still in panic mode, searching for a bucket or that damned extinguisher (turns out the extinguisher we had was lost to the ages) when Dad finally seems to switch back on, and begins to walk around the now fairly faint circle of dying flames, stamping out the last of it with his very expensive wool-lined slippers. Erin has come over by this point, and her wide-eyed shock at having seen the flames in their young prime fades to post-panic laughter, and I join in with her as I get my coat.
As I leave the house, Dad is coming in with, ironically enough, wood to feed his intentional fire. I look at him in the eye, point an accusatory finger at him and say, in seven-eighths seriousness, "DON'T DO THAT AGAIN."
He laughs, and stamping the dirt and bits of ash from his feet, both of us smelling horribly of smoke, and says to me,
"Don't tell your mother."
10/10/10
Throne of Ursine, Part 2
Cherro grasped the test tube carefully, as a scientist, this was supposed to come easily, but as a four hundred pound bear, his early experiments consisted of simply trying to pick up frail equipment. He tipped the vial into a small beaker currently resting above a controlled flame, placed the beaker back on the table, and then proceeded to run for the safety of a three-foot high wall running through one side of the room. A close observer, if they cared to get that close to a worried looking black bear, would hear him counting under his breath.
Safely behind the wall, he peeked over, eyes on the larger beaker. If he did the math and mixed the levels of honey correctly (and part of that relied on the very specific training of a branch of the local swarm), then it should be a few more seconds until...
The door opened on the other side of the room, and Cherro was spurred into a panic to see Queen Grendolia and her assistant stride in. "Back! Back! Get out!" he shouted, leaping over the short wall and racing across the room.
Grendolia had enough time to take in a charging Cherro before she saw a beaker on the worktop beginning to simmer before the black bear tackled her and Forsyth, bringing them both to the ground.
She was about to ask what was going on when Cherro leapt back onto his hind legs, and slammed the double doors shut, and heard him mutter "...Fifty Nine, Sixt-" before a flash of light emanated through the cracks in the doors and a sudden resounding thud shook through the hallway. Cherro slumped against the door, breathing hard, then began laughing gently to himself. She stared at him for a moment or two, confused and slightly worried before he seemed to remember that he had tackled royalty to the ground.
"Oh, hell, your Majesty, forgive me for the mishandling of yourself and your...page?" Forsyth, picking herself off the floor, shot him a dirty look. "I was only just testing the latest sample of the charge honey and forgot to put a notice on the door..."
"Quite alright, Cherro, and I forgive you on the caution that you remember the notice in the future. I gather you've perfected the timed reaction of the charge honey?" Grendolia pulled herself off the floor as Cherro experimentally opened the door to the test-room a fracture.
"Very close to it, I believe, your Majesty. That was only the first test," he said, waving a paw in a fruitless attempt to clear smoke away, "but the timing was correct for a dose of that size. And that was only a tenth of the size we hope to employ in the battlefield. I've been working with Warlord Oberton very closely on this, and we hope to more than meet the original parameters of the Charge-Honey postulation."
Grendolia smiled, albeit coughing while doing so as smoke wafted into the hall, despite Cherro having shut the door and pulled the lever for the ventilation to kick in. "That is good news, Cherro. Unfortunately, it's the matter of the Charge-Honey project that I need to talk to you about. Could you find the Warlord and bring him to my secondary meeting-den in an hour's time?"
"Certainly, your majesty. Is there anything I should warn Oberton about? You know he's grumpy during the traditional Hibernation Season."
"Tradition holds us back, Cherro," Grendolia said, motioning to Forsyth to follow her as she walked back the way she came away from the still smoking test-room doors. "We have to move with the times, and grow with progress, or else," she added darkly to herself, "be buried by a mountain of fools."
Safely behind the wall, he peeked over, eyes on the larger beaker. If he did the math and mixed the levels of honey correctly (and part of that relied on the very specific training of a branch of the local swarm), then it should be a few more seconds until...
The door opened on the other side of the room, and Cherro was spurred into a panic to see Queen Grendolia and her assistant stride in. "Back! Back! Get out!" he shouted, leaping over the short wall and racing across the room.
Grendolia had enough time to take in a charging Cherro before she saw a beaker on the worktop beginning to simmer before the black bear tackled her and Forsyth, bringing them both to the ground.
She was about to ask what was going on when Cherro leapt back onto his hind legs, and slammed the double doors shut, and heard him mutter "...Fifty Nine, Sixt-" before a flash of light emanated through the cracks in the doors and a sudden resounding thud shook through the hallway. Cherro slumped against the door, breathing hard, then began laughing gently to himself. She stared at him for a moment or two, confused and slightly worried before he seemed to remember that he had tackled royalty to the ground.
"Oh, hell, your Majesty, forgive me for the mishandling of yourself and your...page?" Forsyth, picking herself off the floor, shot him a dirty look. "I was only just testing the latest sample of the charge honey and forgot to put a notice on the door..."
"Quite alright, Cherro, and I forgive you on the caution that you remember the notice in the future. I gather you've perfected the timed reaction of the charge honey?" Grendolia pulled herself off the floor as Cherro experimentally opened the door to the test-room a fracture.
"Very close to it, I believe, your Majesty. That was only the first test," he said, waving a paw in a fruitless attempt to clear smoke away, "but the timing was correct for a dose of that size. And that was only a tenth of the size we hope to employ in the battlefield. I've been working with Warlord Oberton very closely on this, and we hope to more than meet the original parameters of the Charge-Honey postulation."
Grendolia smiled, albeit coughing while doing so as smoke wafted into the hall, despite Cherro having shut the door and pulled the lever for the ventilation to kick in. "That is good news, Cherro. Unfortunately, it's the matter of the Charge-Honey project that I need to talk to you about. Could you find the Warlord and bring him to my secondary meeting-den in an hour's time?"
"Certainly, your majesty. Is there anything I should warn Oberton about? You know he's grumpy during the traditional Hibernation Season."
"Tradition holds us back, Cherro," Grendolia said, motioning to Forsyth to follow her as she walked back the way she came away from the still smoking test-room doors. "We have to move with the times, and grow with progress, or else," she added darkly to herself, "be buried by a mountain of fools."
10/3/10
Throne of Ursine, Part One
She was worried, though her stoic features betrayed none of this. Even in national panic, it would Not Do for the Overqueen to appear anything other than calm and reserved, no, she would have to go about this the hard way. That is to say, Grendolia could not help but proceed through the nightmare of bureaucracy and the dance of diplomacy before she could make any kind of decree, let alone a political movement or military action. How she longed to throw the oaken table of the Meeting Den aside and swipe her well manicured but powerful paws across the face of the offending diplomat, after which fangs would be bared, insults snarled, and blood shed until a champion stood over a mangled corpse, the victory howl would be picked up and carried on by vocal cords from den to wood to forest, till it reached the pointed ears of the mountain dwellers.
Of course, this was civilization. Honesty and Courage could only wait until after at least five winters passed in hibernation inducing meetings, paperwork, diplomatic tea parties (she despised the little cakes the Gnomes favored). And while Borst, the mentioned diplomat who occupied the chair at the other end of the table, certainly deserved several more creative types of punishment for his ill deeds, beginning a war with the Mountain Gnomes over mere reputation and hearsay would be devastating to her entire race. Not to mention it would exacerbate the similar talks with the Garden Gnomes and completely destroy the precarious allegiance with Humankind.
“In closing, your majesty,” when Borst finally wound down from his petulant droning, “You can see quite clearly that any Ursine deaths along the Eastern borders were clearly coincidental, and was in no way related to our continued mining defensive measures.”
“Defensive measures?” Grendolia raised a furred eyebrow, displaying innocent curiosity. “Defense against what, Borst? If indeed your Gnome leaders wish to achieve peace through these talks, why must you fortify your defenses? And furthermore, defense against what? The only bears that live along those borders are simple Bee Herders and experimental Honey Alchemists. Hardly a force capable of moving your mountain.”
Borst, nonplussed, raised her an eyebrow and saw her a look of honest doubt. “Clearly, your Majesty, you have not heard the reports from your own subjects that your Honey Alchemists have devised an attack honey that, when applied to bare rock, causes it to explode with alacrity.”
“What my brightest minds get up to when they are bored is their own business, Borst, and far from officiated at the highest level. Though their discovery should have a considerable effect on your mining, I believe you are still using the pick and shovel method? Hardly keeping with the times.”
“Tradition rules in the Gnomedom, Queen Grendolia, as you should be well aware, and we are made stronger for our commitment to the old ways. I believe that is everything for this week, shall we arrange our meeting for the next Cycle? Same as this time, at the time of the Half-Moon?”
“Agreed. Forsyth,” she said, turning to her Chestnut coated scribe, “make a note of it. And now, Borst, I’m sure you can see yourself out.”
She waited until her guards had shut the door behind the retreating Gnome, and silently counted to ten before slamming her paw down on the table in anger. “Damn and blast, Forsyth, how did they find out about the Charge Honey? And do they know of the Attack Swarm? Send a message to the Chief Alchemist, He and I are going to have Words.”
Of course, this was civilization. Honesty and Courage could only wait until after at least five winters passed in hibernation inducing meetings, paperwork, diplomatic tea parties (she despised the little cakes the Gnomes favored). And while Borst, the mentioned diplomat who occupied the chair at the other end of the table, certainly deserved several more creative types of punishment for his ill deeds, beginning a war with the Mountain Gnomes over mere reputation and hearsay would be devastating to her entire race. Not to mention it would exacerbate the similar talks with the Garden Gnomes and completely destroy the precarious allegiance with Humankind.
“In closing, your majesty,” when Borst finally wound down from his petulant droning, “You can see quite clearly that any Ursine deaths along the Eastern borders were clearly coincidental, and was in no way related to our continued mining defensive measures.”
“Defensive measures?” Grendolia raised a furred eyebrow, displaying innocent curiosity. “Defense against what, Borst? If indeed your Gnome leaders wish to achieve peace through these talks, why must you fortify your defenses? And furthermore, defense against what? The only bears that live along those borders are simple Bee Herders and experimental Honey Alchemists. Hardly a force capable of moving your mountain.”
Borst, nonplussed, raised her an eyebrow and saw her a look of honest doubt. “Clearly, your Majesty, you have not heard the reports from your own subjects that your Honey Alchemists have devised an attack honey that, when applied to bare rock, causes it to explode with alacrity.”
“What my brightest minds get up to when they are bored is their own business, Borst, and far from officiated at the highest level. Though their discovery should have a considerable effect on your mining, I believe you are still using the pick and shovel method? Hardly keeping with the times.”
“Tradition rules in the Gnomedom, Queen Grendolia, as you should be well aware, and we are made stronger for our commitment to the old ways. I believe that is everything for this week, shall we arrange our meeting for the next Cycle? Same as this time, at the time of the Half-Moon?”
“Agreed. Forsyth,” she said, turning to her Chestnut coated scribe, “make a note of it. And now, Borst, I’m sure you can see yourself out.”
She waited until her guards had shut the door behind the retreating Gnome, and silently counted to ten before slamming her paw down on the table in anger. “Damn and blast, Forsyth, how did they find out about the Charge Honey? And do they know of the Attack Swarm? Send a message to the Chief Alchemist, He and I are going to have Words.”
8/26/10
Vs The World
So, let me be up front about this. I've been a terrible nerd this year. I've barely seen any movies in the theater, let alone that many midnight showings, I can't get my girlfriend into Firefly, and I started this blog thing that I keep 'forgetting' to update.
Pretty typical, as nerds go, I suppose. But then, like a typical nerd, I find something new to be obsessed over. This time, it's Scott Pilgrim. Having devoured all six volumes of the graphic novel, I've been awaiting the movie adaptation since I saw the preview in late January, geek fires stoked on by the knowledge that it's directed by Edgar Wright, he of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, two of my very favoritest movies ever. I expected editing that would give Orson Welles ADD, super-intelligent lines delivered at breakneck speed, and fight scenes that would make The Matrix not only cry, but give it all up and wonder why they hired this Keanu guy anyway.
What I wasn't expecting was a love affair to my generation, a symposium of light, sound and gay jokes aimed directly at the frontal lobes of anyone who came into orbit of a video game in the 80s and 90s. Using the plot-line of the novels as a loose jumping point, Wright launches us into the reality of a true comic book movie, textualized sound effects flashing across the scream as bass notes are slapped out, fists collide into faces, and in true video game fashion, villains explode into coins (though not enough for bus fare home). While the plot-line strays from the comics, it never leaves its roots, and how can you? A slacker musician nerd fighting a succession of seven bad-asses to win a girl's love? It's a bit hard to get wrong.
Some characters are lost in the fray, as are some awesome quips ('Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it in the balls'), but I've always loved how Edgar Wright makes you feel for the characters in their trials and woes by making you laugh along with them, and his adaptation of Brian Lee O'Malley's varied and colorful cast is no disappointment. Some saw fault with Micheal Cera's casting of the titular hero, I realized him to be perfect for the role. We spend so much time seeing Pilgrim as a bad-ass in the comic we forget that he spends whatever time he's not fighting Evil Exes to be slacking, hitting on Asian high schoolers, and generally failing at life. Cera brought out the loser in Pilgrim, and in return, Pilgrim brought out the Holy Shit factor in Cera.
I've seen it twice now, and I fully intend to see it again, then buy it on Blu-Ray and it's accompanying digital download and watch the shit out of if on hi-def TVs and my iPod Classic on lunch-breaks (just noticed, whenever spellcheck underlines something, I tend to choose the hyphenated option. I wonder why). I've bought the complete deluxe soundtrack and listened to little else in the past two weeks. I've even picked up the guitar and started trying to get my poor widdle fingers used to fingering the wire, keen on having all the fun that Scott's band, Sex Bob-Omb is clearly having on screen.
Having gone to the midnight showing, I have to say it was probably the most fun I've ever had in a theater. The crowd's reaction to the film was sublime, cheering every win, laughing like hell at Scott's gay roommate Wallace, and even applauding the theme-appropriate treatment of the Universal logo. I highly doubt The Expendables got that kind of response the next theater over.
Sometimes, heroes inspire us. But only my generation could find a hero in a loser like Scott Pilgrim.
Haiku time!
Scott fights for a girl
Ramona's exes will pay
Slap your bass, Fight, Win!
Pretty typical, as nerds go, I suppose. But then, like a typical nerd, I find something new to be obsessed over. This time, it's Scott Pilgrim. Having devoured all six volumes of the graphic novel, I've been awaiting the movie adaptation since I saw the preview in late January, geek fires stoked on by the knowledge that it's directed by Edgar Wright, he of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, two of my very favoritest movies ever. I expected editing that would give Orson Welles ADD, super-intelligent lines delivered at breakneck speed, and fight scenes that would make The Matrix not only cry, but give it all up and wonder why they hired this Keanu guy anyway.
What I wasn't expecting was a love affair to my generation, a symposium of light, sound and gay jokes aimed directly at the frontal lobes of anyone who came into orbit of a video game in the 80s and 90s. Using the plot-line of the novels as a loose jumping point, Wright launches us into the reality of a true comic book movie, textualized sound effects flashing across the scream as bass notes are slapped out, fists collide into faces, and in true video game fashion, villains explode into coins (though not enough for bus fare home). While the plot-line strays from the comics, it never leaves its roots, and how can you? A slacker musician nerd fighting a succession of seven bad-asses to win a girl's love? It's a bit hard to get wrong.
Some characters are lost in the fray, as are some awesome quips ('Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it in the balls'), but I've always loved how Edgar Wright makes you feel for the characters in their trials and woes by making you laugh along with them, and his adaptation of Brian Lee O'Malley's varied and colorful cast is no disappointment. Some saw fault with Micheal Cera's casting of the titular hero, I realized him to be perfect for the role. We spend so much time seeing Pilgrim as a bad-ass in the comic we forget that he spends whatever time he's not fighting Evil Exes to be slacking, hitting on Asian high schoolers, and generally failing at life. Cera brought out the loser in Pilgrim, and in return, Pilgrim brought out the Holy Shit factor in Cera.
I've seen it twice now, and I fully intend to see it again, then buy it on Blu-Ray and it's accompanying digital download and watch the shit out of if on hi-def TVs and my iPod Classic on lunch-breaks (just noticed, whenever spellcheck underlines something, I tend to choose the hyphenated option. I wonder why). I've bought the complete deluxe soundtrack and listened to little else in the past two weeks. I've even picked up the guitar and started trying to get my poor widdle fingers used to fingering the wire, keen on having all the fun that Scott's band, Sex Bob-Omb is clearly having on screen.
Having gone to the midnight showing, I have to say it was probably the most fun I've ever had in a theater. The crowd's reaction to the film was sublime, cheering every win, laughing like hell at Scott's gay roommate Wallace, and even applauding the theme-appropriate treatment of the Universal logo. I highly doubt The Expendables got that kind of response the next theater over.
Sometimes, heroes inspire us. But only my generation could find a hero in a loser like Scott Pilgrim.
Haiku time!
Scott fights for a girl
Ramona's exes will pay
Slap your bass, Fight, Win!
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