Book

I've always wanted to write a book. Or at least, I've obsessed over it for several years now so I'll pretend and apply the past thirty month's insanity to the rest of my life, using the same retroactive continuity that fans of the Star Wars prequels are so fond of using to justify just how a mentally handicapped frog person could assist in the forming of an evil dictatorship. That said, I've also always wanted to eat the moon and I've always wanted to be in a band that specializes in covers of Paul McCartney and Wings.
Moving on, Books.
So my first step in writing has to be what to write about. Do I make it a story of my life? Do I write historical drama? Should I explore unsolvable mysteries, creating a character whose singular genius and sheer luck help win the day? Do I dare write an epic poem in which Armored Bears fight an army of Lawn Gnomes, led by the small but wicked Dorfendal, who seek to destroy the benevolent Ursine OverQueen, the fair Grendolia? Crap, now I'm thinking about bears again.
No, the best thing to do is to create controversy. I don't mean make insane political claims, featuring myself in full Nazi uniform on the cover, declare myself the only true savior of the country and somehow endear myself as a beloved spokesman to the over 50, white, overweight, jean-shorts wearing demographic. I mean just insult huge amounts of groups just so people buy my book, the same way that Dan Brown does. The Catholics hate him, historians hate him, Time Magazine hates him, but everyone buys his books to see what the fuss is about, just so they can say something equivalent to "Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!" and then throw eggs at a crippled Ian McKellen.
But Brown set his sights too small. "Too small?" you ask? "The Catholics have thier own damn city and never pay taxes, like Wesley Snipes. How is that too small?" I fully intend, Ladies and Gentlemen, to do what even George Carlin could not claim to have done. I intend to INSULT THE WORLD.
Step one, the title. It may be a cheap shot, but it has to get attention, and as everyone has a mother, I intend to start with them. Addressing the reader in first person throughout the book, I start with bold letters across the cover, unabashedly getting to my insulting point by saying YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE, and, to cover my bases, the subtitle will read (in smaller, more fanciful writing, as if layering it on in a saucy voice) And Other Sad Truths About You. Inside, the dedication page will give the book to anyone who reads it, anyone who sees it in a bookshop, anyone who hears about it over a radio review, anyone who has ever come in contact with any part of human or even non-human society, even to those non-terrestrial societies who have yet to make contact with our species, I want them to know that the book they hold is directed personally, sincerely to them, and their dear mothers.
The contents of the book will be rendered by chapters, each subsection directed at either a relation to the reader or their own personal looks, intelligence, insecurities, and standings at work. The font will be large so as to not confuse the intellect of the pitiful reader, which I will point out regularly how little intellect they have, and embellishing the pages will be facts of stupid people throughout history, insults adorning every footnote, metaphorical fingers pointing out of every page, laughing at the reader's expense, and of course, definitions for tough words like 'metaphorical' and 'definitions.'
And once I've outsold the Bible, which will have gone up in sale anyway due to the devastating effect of my book upon the spiritual world, just wait until you hear what I have in store for the audio book.